Monthly Archives: January 2010

Eat it, Leno

Something beautiful happened over the Internet in these last few weeks. A group of people- strangers, really – came together and said to one another, “We might not care about late night T.V., but we can meet as brothers and sisters and agree on one thing.”

Jay Leno sucks.

Sucks like an armored SuckTank. A SuckTank that keeps rolling through some Middle Eastern village, ignoring all of the children hurling stones at it.

Jay Leno represents something horrible. He’s America’s face of dumpy, pampered Baby Boomers who overstayed their welcome. His half-assed show is a corporate disease. It makes the world a worse place to live. And for some reason Leno refuses to go away even though he has enough money to cover a mountain with it and go skiing.

A few friends of mine got together on Facebook to celebrate his awful mediocrity.

Good. Now: SQUEEZE!

- A Career in Failures: December 12, 1998 – Jay Leno’s entire monologue consists of him repeating the name Jack Kevorkian over and over and over again for five minutes.

- God took the wrong Jay. RIP Jay Reatard.

- Leno: “Apparently, scientists in California have made the world’s smallest snowman. Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? Yeah! Apparently LorenaBobbitOjSimpsonViagraBillClinton! GOD DAMNIT WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING, EUBANKS!?”

- Kevin Eubanks also used to think that Jay Leno sucked and he would never laugh at Leno’s jokes. NBC gave Eubanks a lobotomy and now he laughs at everything.

- Jay Leno doesn’t care about black people.

- In fact, Jay Leno’s yard is littered with lawn jockeys that bear an eerie resemblance to Branford Marsalis.

Gold-digging tramp.

- The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Over One Billion Viagra Jokes Served.

- Jay Leno’s chin unscrews. It conceals an emergency supply of Monica Lewinsky jokes and the keys to his Model T Ford.

- One time Jay Leno killed a baby with his Model T Ford.

- Thanksgiving 1956 – A six-year old Jay Leno does the “Do you like seafood?” joke a confirmed 13 times during dinner. Mama Leno weeps quietly as she does the dishes .

- Christmas, 1962. Jay Leno’s father hangs himself in the garage. On the suicide note, one sentence: “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”

- I’ll never be able to forget that one Late Night with Conan O’Brien when Jay Leno snuck onto the stage, unhinged his jaw and ate Andy Richter right in front of the studio audience.

- I’ll also never forget the one segment of Jaywalking, when Jay asked this guy on the street when 9/11 happened. The guy gave the wrong answer. Jay Leno started crying on camera and asked “Have you forgotten?”

- Jay Leno hates your favorite band.

- Here’s the controversial conclusion publishers cut out of Jay Leno’s 1996 book, “Leading With My Chin:” “Over the years I’ve had my ups and downs (or my chin ups and chin downs heheh) and maybe some of my jokes didn’t go over as well as they could have.
But the fact that THEY want you to believe that 11 million people died during the holocaust?
Well, that’s the biggest joke of all. God Bless. – Jay.”

- Jay Leno suffers from Crappie Fever

A hungry Jay Leno looks exhausted after burning down an Orphanage.

- I thought it was EXTREMELY insensitive of Jay Leno to use “Serial Rappist Strikes Again” in the new Headlines segment. It was horrible for Leno to remark: “Don’t call it a Comeback!” and I’m filing a complaint with the FCC.

- Ever wonder what happened to the dancing Itos? With just a push of a button, you can watch them perform their act live in Jay Leno’s living room. Following this, they are tranquilized, caged, and stored in Jay’s fruit cellar until the next dinner party.

- Revelations 30:2-9 – And the third angel blew his trumpet and there was a great tumult in the oceans. I saw a serpent with seven heads rise from the waters. Each head had a potato-y face. They had silver manes of hair. They had large chins and upon each chin was written the name of a sin- sloth, greed, blasphemy, lust… And each mouth held a different joke about OJ Simpson.

You suck, Leno.

Thanks to our pal, Michael Bury for helping us on this one.

Leslie Nielsen: Vengeance

Hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa… stop crying. Tell me what’s going on. Just calm down, buddy.

Okay, now that you’ve finished crying, you need to stop hyperventilating. I’ll wait.

Great. Mind telling me what you’re freaking out about? Oh, well that’s –

WHAT.

Leslie Nielsen’s after you? Leslie Nielsen’s after you!? What did you — you know, I don’t even care what you did. Do you realize the danger you put me in just by calling this number? I have a family! …What? It doesn’t matter that he’s Canadian! Leslie Nielsen has the strength of ten men, and the driving ability of three!

Listen. To. Me. After you hang up that phone, we don’t know each other. Destroy every picture you have of me. Take the SIM card out of your phone and swallow it.  So help me God, if this gets back to me I’ll —  No. I’ll try to get you through this. Mark my words, you’ll never be able to escape Leslie Nielsen. But I can buy you a few days so you can make your peace with this world before you exit it as a violent smear on the landscape.
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The Camp Arawak News Letters 2

Hey Camp Arawak Moms and Dads,

This dump is staffed by a bunch of braindead, oily Steve Reeves lookalikes and my sponsor wonders why I don't return his calls.

It’s been a while since I checked in with you, but your buddy, Camp Director Mel, had a rough couple’a nights so he’s going to keep this one short. Being a camp director is pretty tough stuff, you’re always worrying about what’s getting paid how, who in camp is supposed to be where, and what object is sticking out of a screaming whom… It wears on ya and before you know it, it’s 4 a.m. and you’re trying to convince an angry bouncer that you can pay your tab with a six-year sobriety chip.

Anyway, some of you are probably wondering about the article in the front page of the Arawak Star Tribune this morning with the clever headline “What’s the ‘Buzz’ at Camp Arawak? Another Body Found!” Let me get on the record right now: I don’t know who that guy was – his face was too covered with hornets for me to get a good look at him, so I don’t even know if he was one of our campers. There’s clearly no reason to suspect all of these ridiculous “serial killer” theories I’ve been hearing.

They found the body in the restroom of the boy’s cabin, the cabin full of sophomore guys that wear nothing but jean shorts that are so tight you can see their heartbeat through them and pink lowtop sneakers.

The last time I saw them they were throwing water balloons at each other and calling one another ” ‘Mo,” whatever the hell that means. I mistook them for a group of ladyboys I saw walking the midnight streets of Saigon while I was in the service and I started getting a flashback. I was too busy sponging the sweat from my face and trying to shut out the sound of medvac helicopters to notice that they belted that chick that dresses like the Amish with a water balloon. I hobbled into action!, scooping up Whats-her-face and giving the guys of the cabin a stern wheezing to.

A job well done, right? I stirred some sugar into my coffee with my morning cigar, sent Meg to scrub an astonishing amount of feces and pubic hair and profanity from the walls of the girl’s lockerroom and got ready for a nice, relaxing breakfast.

Well that didn’t last long! Because while I was eating flapjacks with one hand and Irishing up my coffee with the other, some hobo wandered into camp for what was quite obviously the last time.

Oh yeah. I forgot to tell you guys about the hobo camp, too.

Fuck.

Okay. Okay. I’m coming clean again here, you can’t say I’m not playing fair with you folks. In addition to the anti-government militias I told you about in my last letter, the Camp Arawak woods are also home to a few hobos that go by names like Stiffy Pete, Mississippi Slim, Ringworm Joe, Alabaster Stan, and Parasite Eve. You see, the B&O Railroad used to run past camp, but when the train closed down, all of the hobos who were riding the line just kinda hung around the abandoned boxcars. They occasionally get drunk and wander into camp, we tell the kids that they’re magical wood people who will grant wishes if they’re caught, everyone has a laugh and no one gets hurt.

Not. My. Fault.

Well that all ended this morning, apparently after one of the drifters – I think it was Scuzzknuckle Woodruff, from what I saw – got hammered and carried his hobo bindle into the boy’s restroom so he could BM like a real person.

Only, poor Old Scuzzknuckle wasn’t carrying his bindle into the bathroom. He was so drunk that he carried a branch with a hornet’s nest on the end of it into the cabin. The hornets were released like an angry cloud of something I can’t be held criminally liable for and engulfed the poor, drunk bastard.

Sad. Sad state of affairs. But oh well! Tonight is franks and beans and the Silly Camp Song Sing Along! Let me share this lil’ gem with all of you Camp Arawak Moms and Dads! It goes to the tune of Queen’s “We Will Rock You” which all of the guys from bunk three are stripping to these days. Sing along with Camp Director Mel!

Jesus was a Cool Dude

Forty days without food

Then he made the Golden Rule

And that’s just great!

He’s got blood on his face

Praying for the grace

Spreadin’ God’s salvation all over the place

Singing! We will, we will praise him!

We will, we will serve him!

We will, we will love him!

Yeah!

Yes I know I don’t advertise Camp Arawak as a “church camp” but that’s why Camp Director Mel doesn’t accept one penny of government funding. If you whiny liberals have a problem with that you can call my lawyer! HAW!

- Camp Director Mel.

Youngstown 3010

1/10/3010

In keeping with millennium-old automated protocols through the Youngstown planning department, we are submitting our city’s goals for the next ten years. Youngstown 3010 is our new comprehensive development plan that  seeks to make Youngstown a better place for everyone by the year 3020! Let’s get to it:

– The earliest city plans stress the importance of creating something called “green space.” The precise meaning of that is currently being debated by our linguists, but a consensus indicates that it’s old navcom jargon meaning “sector reasonably free of pressurized jets of corrosive lye.”

– If you ask any wise, old codger haunting the city’s saloons, he can tell you exactly where he was the day the housing code inspectors transmitted that chilling message from the city’s derelict warehouse district: “City manager! Call off the expedition! It’s A GIANT WASPS NEST!” Since then, Youngstown has been committed to evolving its parameter fence weaponry one step ahead of the enemy and we pledge  2,000 more giant wasp scalps to the Defense Ministry in 3010! Defend Youngstown!

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