Monthly Archives: March 2010

Cecil the Bear Baiter’s Child Emporium

I'm Cecil the Bear Baiter and I'm madder than hell!

I’m in a bad way, folks.  The economy of the entire Northern Kingdom has been completely hosed ever since King Longloins bought into that investment scam he saw advertised on late night  dude-screaming-in-the-street.

So Bear Baiting isn’t paying as well as it used to. After forgetting about my emotions and taking a good, honest look at the industry, I decided I have no choice but to hang up the muzzles and call it a day.

I love my job. I love my job more than I love my goodly wife, who at the time of this writing is contentedly chewing her cud in the corner of the hut- the hut I bought with the the money I made on my first big bear baiting spectacle.

And though I love my job, the number of economic hardships facing the industry seem insurmountable. Baiting, it seems, is done, over, finished or — heh heh — bruined as we say in Baiter lingo.

I’ve tried to make it through this most recent bear shortage with cost-cutting measures but there’s only so much you can do with a spectacle like bear baiting. Trust me, the men in my family have been bear baiters going all the way back to Cecil “MangleMeister” III and bear baiting is about as refined as it’s ever gonna get. There aren’t a lot of ways to switch things up in there. I mean, my grandfather came up the idea of feeding the dogs gunpowder before the fight, so when the bear hit the dog, the dog went explode, but that was only ever done during a certain type of harvest festival and ever since the you-know-whos moved here and started influencing local politics, it’s no longer legal to worship that sorta god.

I’ve tried cutting out the bears altogether, and running a baiting spectacle in which I set vicious dogs upon one of the town’s peasants. Only, in a village like Pigsnot Marsh it’s not much of a “spectacle” when a pack of wild animals dismembers a serf in public. We call that kind of thing “Tuesday” around here.

But I’m not giving up! We have an ancient saying in Pigsnot Marsh: “When the Plague kills your wife, the pigs eat for free.”  I’m putting that maxim to work  in my own life.

Paydirt.

You see, when the economy collapsed after Longloins spent the treasury on gold-gilt tableware, his political allegiances that were held together by cash money, of course, dissolved. His thanes got pissed off and we had BUTTLOADS of war. Ol’ Cecil here didn’t have to go. Ol’ Cecil got himself  a deferment. Pilonidal Cyst. You know how it is.

And what does war mean? Heaps and heaps and heaps of crying, screeching orphans. They’re literally the Northern Kingdom’s most plentiful natural resource right now. I’m ready to put them to work for me!

Though, I have to admit, I’m still in the exploratory phase of this moneymaking scheme. I have about 40 orphans and believe me they DO NOT cage well. And I can’t really let them out without them doing something mischievous like tying a string of cans to my wife’s tail or dying of the plague.

But while the children are bad, the babies are by far the worst. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m actually going to do with all of these babies. I had the idea once to chain one of them to a dais and have a pack of littler babies attack it, but that spectacle didn’t really go as well as I hoped. One of the babies went “brr-brr-brr” by playing with his fingers in his mouth, but that’s about as menacing as things got in there.

Maybe my dreams of baiting spectacles have gone the way of the mythical Louse that Laid the Golden Nits. Maybe I need to just give up and move on. I’m still left with all of these screaming, hungry children and my wife is just about milked out by now.

So I’m leaving it up to you, the consumer, to decide what to do with these little guys. Chain six of them together and make them row the world’s most adorable galleon! Sew a couple together at the back and make your very own Pushmepullyou! Amuse yourself for hours when you tie one to a fishing line and dangle it in front of your village abbot! HE JUST KEEPS CHASING IT! Hilarious!

The choice is yours when you visit Cecil The Bear Baiter’s Child Emporium!

Craigslist Prank: The Half-Albino Fox

From: Michael Sheppard (xxxxxxx@gmail.com)
To: comm-d4v5n-xxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
2/18/10 4:38 a.m.

Hello fellow fox enthusiast,

I am writing in response to your recently posted Craigslist ad. I am so happy to have found it! I recently came into possession of an absolutely beautiful fox, and while I thought it would work out at first my wife was not happy with me adding a new member to the family without her prior consent. I thought she would grow to love him, but a few weeks have passed and my back is getting sore from sleeping on the couch!

I am not sure of the fox’s scientific name but I am sure it is some sort of rare breed due to it being half-albino. While you may think that sounds strange, please hear me out. Unlike a fully albino fox, which would be completely white, this fox is jet black with vibrant white stripes. At first I thought this might simply be how the fox looked, but his albino heritage can be confirmed by inspecting the “whites” of his eyes, which are actually quite red. This, of course, is a very common trait of albinism.

Although this fox is in perfect shape I will outline the few small problems I have had with him in the interest of full disclosure. First and foremost, he has not had much contact with humans outside of my kids and me and can be a little skittish. If you are looking to pet or feed him I would definitely recommend wearing oven mitts, long pants, and a thick sweater. Also, while we are working on housebreaking him he has yet to fully grasp the concept. I have found that he very much likes to relieve himself on piles of women’s clothes, so if you have some of those lying around the house I would definitely recommend picking them up or at least leaving them contained to one area of your home. I was going to try to housebreak him by leaving some of my wife’s clothes in the yard but she was not very receptive to the idea.

Finally, he is a little excitable so you must be mindful to always approach him from the front. If you scare him by sneaking up on him he tends to lift his tail and spray urine all over everything and everyone behind him. In my research Apparently the urine a fox produces can be quite repugnant when it is scared – several times stronger than the urine they make when they just have to go, in fact. Just be sure not to sneak up behind him and you should be fine.

While this is a once-in-a-lifetime find for a fox enthusiast my wife is not very happy with me, and thus I must price the fox to sell. I am willing to let him go for $175. I will also throw in a carrying case and a few fox toys. I look forward to hearing from you soon!

Regards,
Michael

From: Cindy Lawton (xxxxxx@yahoo.com)
To: Mike Sheppard (xxxxxxxx@gmail.com)
2/18/10 1:37 p.m.

MICHAEL,

THX FOR THE QUICK RESPONSE TO OUR AD. WE ARE VERY INTERESTED IN THE FOX. CAN YOU PLEASE GIVE ME SOME BASIC INFORMATION FOR INSTANCE IS THE FOX REGISTERED, HAS HE HAD HIS SHOTS, ETC? WE WERE ALSO WONDERING IF THE PRICE WAS NEGOTIABLE OR IF YOU WOULD ACCEPT SOME SORT OF PAYMENT PLAN. FUNDS ARE TIGHT AROUND HERE DUE TO OUR BASEMENT RENOVATION PLANS. HE IS GOING TO HAVE A NICER PLACE THAN US. LOL!

CINDY
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Garbage Duck Live!

(Click for bigger version!)You’ve read Garbage Duck online. You’ve watched our riffed shorts. Now experience Garbage Duck IRL outside the cyberverse with our new live show! Featuring live riffing of two existing Garbage Duck Shorts, and the unveiling of our never-before-seen riff of the 1990 classic Bush-era propaganda Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue! With musical interlude by Leonard “Glenn America” Crist!

Meet us, drink with us, beat us mercilessly with lead pipes; the only limit is your imagination!

You’ve read Garbage Duck online. You’ve watched our riffed shorts. Now experience Garbage Duck IRL outside the cyberverse with our new live show! Featuring live riffing of two existing Garbage Duck Shorts, and the unveiling of our never-before-seen riff of the 1990 classic Bush-era propaganda Cartoon All Stars to the Rescue! With musical interlude by Leonard “Glenn America” Crist!

Meet us, drink with us, beat us mercilessly with lead pipes; the only limit is your imagination!

LMNPlace: A Space For Lists

We at Garbage Duck are honored to have Youngstown’s own LMN as a guest writer for today’s update. In case you didn’t know, LMN is a local favorite famous for his in-your-face sense of humor, and his casual, ironic (?) use of racism has earned him his status as an equal opportunity offender on his acclaimed website, LMNPlace. If you’ve thought it, LMN’s probably said it — and in public! So, without further ado (or a-doo-doo, as LMN would say)…

Since the Garbage Duck site began way back in the slave days of 1857, I have been a huge fan. Every week I sit with bated breath for the latest update for creative inspiration. So far, I have been able to jockey Lolcats and YouTube videos of the gay into a fairly successful Youngstown internet celebrity career. But my job isn’t that easy; sometimes I have to write a sentence or two of hilarious commentary and judge the literally dozens (DOZENS) of entries I get every week on LMNPlace’s wildly successful “Shave Your Balls Friday.”

That’s why when the team here at Garbage Duck asked me to do a guest post, I was beside myself with excitement. Well, to be truthful, I wasn’t exactly excited. At first, I was like, “WTF, do they think I am some kind of poor immigrant laborer or something? Ohh, me so solly, me build you a rairroad!” Then I realized I do love rice and Asian women, so I decided to go for it.

So now I am proud to bring you my “Top Ten Gay Politicians”, replete with Youtube videos and wacky images to help illustrate my point.

10.) Nancy Pelosi

All I’m saying here is that lesbians love vaginas, and pussy is a euphemism for cats and vaginas. Obviously Nancy Pelosi loves fish tacos. She probably loves real tacos, too; because really, who doesn’t? You know who does like fish tacos? BLACK PEOPLE.

9.) Benjamin Franklin

Here’s some forgotten wisdom about Ben Franklin: “Use lots of lube when you’re inserting something into your bum, otherwise it is going to hurt a lot.” ~ Poor Richard’s Almanac: After Dark (1787)

8.) Dick Armey

With a name like Dick Armey dude has to be gay. Yes homo.

7.) These kittens riding a Roomba

Roomba Cat can haz heltcare 4 mi lyfe partnr nowz?

6.) Martin Van Buren

No one knows anything about Martin Van Buren. That’s because he loved the cock. It is a well-known fact that anyone from the 1800s with a foggy history was totally gay. Incidentally, black people have very large penises. Can we all agree on that?

5.) Local philanthropist Brooke Slanina

Brooke Slanina is a friend of mine. Someday, I know that Brooke is going to be a totally awesome politician. LMN+Brooke=BFF. In fact, I would ask her to marry me if I didn’t have all these women chained up in my basement. But they deserved it, they way they were dressed. The whores.

4.) Barney Frank

Taxes are gay. So is Barney Frank (literally…ew).

3.) Arnold Schwarz-ehI’mnotevengoingtotryandspelltherestofhislastname

Dude is totally gay. Listen to that grunting at the beginning. That’s him taking it up the butt.

2.) Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh

Something about this guy makes me think about my balls bouncing off of his chin. And he is wearing a turban, so we know he is a terrorist. It is a well-known fact that terrorists like to ass-ram little boys. Someday I hope he ass-rams me.

1.) Barack Hussein Obama

It’s clear that America is becoming a progressive country when we elect a black man not based on his slam-dunking skills alone. But really — Hussein? Need I say more? He’s not even a real American anyway. Vote for Ron Paul and the gold standard in 2012.

Thanks again for the update, LMN. With talent like yours, you’ll be sure to keep Youngstown entertained for the next 31 years of your life!