Monthly Archives: June 2010

Ask Peter the Psychologist

Out of all the works of art to explore the intangible relationship between men and women, not a single sampling of cinema delves quite deeper than Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. It’s been called the Annie Hall of the 21st century for a reason; this 100-minute masterpiece explores complicated interpersonal issues with a mastery of existentialism that hasn’t been seen since Sartre’s No Exit. Of course, Tommy Wiseau didn’t stumble upon these epiphanies alone; with the assistance of his friend Peter the Psychologist — who plays himself in The Room under the pseudonym “Kyle Vogt” — this modern-day philosopher held the mirror up to society and revealed the nightmarish facades we each hide behind.

As much as we’d like Tommy Wiseau to lend his artistic genius to our humble little blog, the auteur is perpetually on the road, showing The Room to those who have managed to elude its brilliance. But after some tense negotiations, and a five-dollar donation via PayPal, we managed snag his partner in crime for a guest spot on Garbage Duck. If you have a burning issue in your life than can only be handled by a competent professional, submit your question to garbageduck@gmail.com. We’ll have Peter tackle these problems once he gets a minute free from staring directly into the human soul.

What’s wrong with this Ouija board?!

Dear Milton Bradley,

I guess I should address this letter to either Milton or Bradley (whoever can read this first!!!). I’m in quite a pickle because of your faulty Ouija board product and I am very cross with both of you ! >:(

About five or six years ago, I was going through a rough patch in my life and needed some advice from the other realm. Now, I don’t know what you heard, but I don’t use phone psychics any more. Not since that “Jamaican” lady got bored with my calls and started answering me in her deep, surprisingly throaty Brooklyn accent. That kinda ruins the mood.

But I remembered the swell times I had with your Ouija board products. I have many fond memories of using them in the White House. George Bush and I used to have sleepovers and ask it questions. It was so much fun! We’d light candles, talk about boys, and then George would put on his special robes and pronounce “Hastur” and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

But that doesn’t seem to be the case with this new model!  I was feeling a little lonely a few years ago and bought another board, remembering all the good times I used to have with it.

I brought it home and the board spelled “H-E-L-P-M-E” no fewer than three hundred times.

My word, Milton! Your Ouija board put me in touch with the ghost of one of those Cadillac-driving welfare queens my husband was always going on about. I crossed my arms, sternly shook my head (It’s the only way you can deal with those people) and gestured in the direction of that nice “God Helps Those Who Help Themselves” cross stitch sampler Margaret Thatcher gave me last Christmas.

That got it to stop with the all the help me’s but after that the board would only spell out what I think is the phonetic spelling of uncontrollable sobbing.

I DID NOT SPEND MY GOOD $14 TO BE DEPRESSED, MILTON!

But that’s worlds better than what the board is telling me now! Horrible things about lava and oceans of splinters and being frozen solid in blocks of human excrement. Just yesterday I got this sunny message: “O-H J-E-S-U-S I-T-S C-*-M-M-I-N-G S-P-I-D-E-R-S A-L-L O-V-E-R M-E!”

Excuse me but THAT’S DISGUSTING!

I was going to ask that you send one of your finest Ouija board technicians down here to fix it, but now I’m not sure I want to use your product any more. This morning the board told me it would “drag me down here with him” and I don’t know what that means but no thanks! not interested!

*Sigh* if only everything in life was as dependable as my husband, God rest his sweet soul.

- Nancy