Monthly Archives: August 2010

The Midnight Society: Minutes of Meeting Number ???

“Where the fuck were you, Betty Ann?”

“Food.”

“Better have been. What’d you bring us… more nutrias?”

“No. Just lichens tonight. I- I’m sorry, Gary.”

“You’re late for story time.”

“I know, Gary. It’s just that- It’s getting darker earlier this time of year and-“

“Yesss?”

“And cub scout troops aren’t coming by as often as they used to.”

“Nevermind. Throw another Webelos kerchief in the fire. I feel a story coming on.”

WHOOOOSH!

“Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story: THE TALE OF THE GO-GURT BRAINED BROAD WHO MADE US ALL STARVE TO DEATH BEFORE NICKELODEON HAD THE CHANCE TO COME BACK AND TAKE US HOME!”

“Don’t talk like that, Gary! Look… I know it’s been six winters now. I know that! But I  just know they’re coming back for us! Any day now, we’ll see those bright orange vans driving through all the miles and miles of the Pine Barrens… They’ll be coming for us, Gary. And there will be Mark Summers, and that rat faced kid from the camp show, and a guy in a foam Stimpy costume. And they’ll tell us, ‘We haven’t forgotten about you, Betty Ann and Gary! Come sleep in here, away from all the raccoons and the ticks!”

“Do you still love me, Betty Ann?”

“Gary, you know I do.”

“You don’t mind that I had that fling with Kiki?”

“Gary, we finished the last of her ages ago.”

“Do you think the cops will suspect anything when they come and find us?”

“What? That Tucker, Kiki and Sam have been replaced with boards of wood with their names written on them in brown crayon? Absolutely not! Oh hey! And speaking of being sneaky, what was that thing you were drawing in your Trapper Keeper earlier?”

“Heh. Nothing. It’s stupid.”

“Come on! Show me! I’ll throw another merit badge in with your gruel tonight if you show me!”

“Haha. Okay. Here.”

“Ooh! He’s cute. What’s his name? Um. Cigar Man?”

“No! He’s Heat Man! He can control heat! He’s wearing a special suit that protects his body from reaching a violent equilibrium with the Earth’s atmosphere! Those dots are rivets so his enemies can’t knock it off!”

“Cute!”

“They’re never coming back for us, are they?”

“Stop being such a downer, Gary. Would you feel better if I told a story?”

“No.”

“Come on! Boil up a pine cone and relax for once. Ready? Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story: THE TALE OF THE TIME NO ONE TOOK SARDO’S MAGIC SHOP SERIOUSLY AND HE SOLD A KID SOMETHING THAT ENDED UP KILLING THEM!”

“What kind of thing? Cursed comic book? Wind up teeth? Entropy cube?”

“Um. Entropy cube.”

“Heard it.”

“Would you like to tell one?”

“Absolutely. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…..

….. “And as I looked into the thing’s bloated, hamburger-like face hovering inches over my baby brother, I wondered ‘What if dying made you go insane?’ Insane enough to sneak into a crib every night, to a boy too young to talk, whose screams will never be understood as ‘Man! Man in my room!?’ So insane that your crackling face twists in something like glee as the boy starts to scream and you bite down and bite down and bite down and bite…”

“I think that’s enough story time for tonight, Gary.”

“Are you sure!? I-I have others! I thought of one about a kid who gets taken away by special garbage men his parents called or or! this other awesome one about a funeral portrait that whispers ‘Help me. I’m in Hell…‘ whenever the lights are turned off!”

“I have an idea, Gary.”

“What’s that?”

“Truth or Dare?”

“Um. Truth?”

“Isn’t it true that you threw a little diva fit when you heard the show was getting canceled?”

“I uh.”

“Or that you went all Lord of the Flies on the production company, stranding us all out here until necessity made us do unspeakable things to one another? To Frank? To Kiki? TO ME?!

“No, Betty Ann! No! That’s not true!”

“And that you’re sitting by yourself right now, in a scout kerchief loincloth babbling to yourself ….”

“No!”

“You don’t even have a fucking campfire anymore! You’re using one of those peripherals they sell to light up your Game Boy in the dark!”

“You lie! I’m the leader of this club and I’ve had…”

“Truth or Dare, Gary.”

“… dare…”

“Cut your tongue out.”

“W-what?”

“Cut. Your. Tongue! Out!”

“I’m so sorry, Betty Ann. I’m sorry for everything… Betty Ann, do you still love me?”

“Gary, you know I do…

“Now cut your tongue out.”

“I. I- AH! – I love you, Betty Araraaaghhhnnnnnn….”