If you’re a follower of garbage news that has absolutely zero bearing on your day-to-day life, you’re probably aware that the Rapture is scheduled tonight at about 6 p.m.
That news comes to us through 89-year-old pastor Harold Camping, a former civil engineer and a part-time impersonator of the grandpa in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. According to this article, Camping found three sacred numbers using Rapture Science, multiplied them together twice and mumble mumble the Rapture happens tonight.
Don’t ask us to explain it. We’re not one of his hundreds of potato-y followers who quit their jobs at the Gay-punching factory to spread the message about this crap. We don’t listen to much AM radio and, to be truthful, even Camping has fucked up this prediction before.
But we did take one semester of Rapture Science in college. It was a choice between that, Care Bear Physics, or Voodoo Home Economics and Rapture Science was the only one that didn’t meet at 8-o’clock in the freaking morning.
So we know what Camping is saying is the 100 percent real deal. This isn’t some tacky, bullshit, pandering shill being perpetrated on a bunch of gullible sourpuss assholes. This is authentic Rapture, God’s very own “I-told-you-so.” We’re hosed, guys.
In the few remaining hours Bob and I could spend repenting or calling our family members and telling them we love them, we’ve decided instead to share some of our Rapture expertise in an update. And yes, there’s a chance we could regret this post come Sunday, when we’re in Hell, staring into the demonic eyes of Leslie Nielsen as he rubs a suspicious, anvil-sized bulge in his pants; but we value you, our three readers, far more than our immortal souls. We don’t want you to be in the dark about Rapture Science once the actual Rapture starts going down. Besides, we know that if there’s one thing God hates more than a sinner, it’s someone who pusses out at the last second.
We wanted to thank you guys for reading our blog, for sharing in the experience of our final Garbage Duck update. Any moment now the skies will open and start raining molten bedbugs on us, but we will always love you.
There is a finite amount of upward force applied to each of the select Christians who will float into Heaven tonight. That said, it will take approximately 2.5 Raptures to make Jerry Falwell ascend. Please note that this estimate is for the classic Falwell, not the current, more decompose-y model.
In 1930, a Rapture scientist created an algorithm based on the true name of God, which we can’t type here (for some reason, it makes computer processors transubstantiate). He applied that formula to the book of Exodus and discovered an 11th commandment! However, “Thou Shalt Not Fart In A Pancake Factory” was very poorly received at that year’s convention and the scientist’s career was ruined.
Those who have the bad habit of confusing the real Rapture with the Blondie song of the same name, just remember this: Debbie Harry’s rapping does not mean the world is ending outside your window. The sound of the earth being blasted with fiery rays of God’s vengeance is actually less disturbing. You can count on this, though, “The Tide Is High” is definitely playing on repeat in Hell for eternity.
When you get to Heaven and meet Saint Paul, don’t ask him about his Letters to the Philippians. He’s not proud of his later work.
Long thought to be a beautiful sermon about ideal mercy, love, and compassion for humanity, the Beatitudes are actually coded schematics for a nuclear-powered pulse rifle. This actually explains why in non-canonical gospels Jesus exclaims, “Choke on this, imperialist scum,” and glasses Rome after the Sermon on the Mount.
Will my pets join me in The Rapture? No. Since pets are incapable of prayer, your beloved animals will be forced to starve or burn in the sulfur fires of post-Rapture earth. And there’s no praying mantises allowed in Heaven because they fumigate up there every other Thursday.
We hope that clears up some questions you had about the End Times. It’s been real. If we have one regret, it’s that a handful of arrogant, self-absorbed, gay-bashing jerks will be snatched into paradise tonight, and not the billions of flawed, but otherwise good people here. Oh well. Be sure to mark your post-Rapture calendars for the pansexual-drug-fueled-no-questions-asked-outdoors-uninhibited-polyamorous-fuck fest at my place on the 23rd.