Something beautiful happened over the Internet in these last few weeks. A group of people- strangers, really – came together and said to one another, “We might not care about late night T.V., but we can meet as brothers and sisters and agree on one thing.”
Jay Leno sucks.
Sucks like an armored SuckTank. A SuckTank that keeps rolling through some Middle Eastern village, ignoring all of the children hurling stones at it.
Jay Leno represents something horrible. He’s America’s face of dumpy, pampered Baby Boomers who overstayed their welcome. His half-assed show is a corporate disease. It makes the world a worse place to live. And for some reason Leno refuses to go away even though he has enough money to cover a mountain with it and go skiing.
A few friends of mine got together on Facebook to celebrate his awful mediocrity.
– A Career in Failures: December 12, 1998 – Jay Leno’s entire monologue consists of him repeating the name Jack Kevorkian over and over and over again for five minutes.
– God took the wrong Jay. RIP Jay Reatard.
– Leno: “Apparently, scientists in California have made the world’s smallest snowman. Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? Yeah! Apparently LorenaBobbitOjSimpsonViagraBillClinton! GOD DAMNIT WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING, EUBANKS!?”
– Kevin Eubanks also used to think that Jay Leno sucked and he would never laugh at Leno’s jokes. NBC gave Eubanks a lobotomy and now he laughs at everything.
– Jay Leno doesn’t care about black people.
– In fact, Jay Leno’s yard is littered with lawn jockeys that bear an eerie resemblance to Branford Marsalis.
– The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Over One Billion Viagra Jokes Served.
– Jay Leno’s chin unscrews. It conceals an emergency supply of Monica Lewinsky jokes and the keys to his Model T Ford.
– One time Jay Leno killed a baby with his Model T Ford.
– Thanksgiving 1956 – A six-year old Jay Leno does the “Do you like seafood?” joke a confirmed 13 times during dinner. Mama Leno weeps quietly as she does the dishes .
– Christmas, 1962. Jay Leno’s father hangs himself in the garage. On the suicide note, one sentence: “Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”
– I’ll never be able to forget that one Late Night with Conan O’Brien when Jay Leno snuck onto the stage, unhinged his jaw and ate Andy Richter right in front of the studio audience.
– I’ll also never forget the one segment of Jaywalking, when Jay asked this guy on the street when 9/11 happened. The guy gave the wrong answer. Jay Leno started crying on camera and asked “Have you forgotten?”
– Jay Leno hates your favorite band.
– Here’s the controversial conclusion publishers cut out of Jay Leno’s 1996 book, “Leading With My Chin:” “Over the years I’ve had my ups and downs (or my chin ups and chin downs heheh) and maybe some of my jokes didn’t go over as well as they could have.
But the fact that THEY want you to believe that 11 million people died during the holocaust?
Well, that’s the biggest joke of all. God Bless. – Jay.”
– Jay Leno suffers from Crappie Fever
– I thought it was EXTREMELY insensitive of Jay Leno to use “Serial Rappist Strikes Again” in the new Headlines segment. It was horrible for Leno to remark: “Don’t call it a Comeback!” and I’m filing a complaint with the FCC.
– Ever wonder what happened to the dancing Itos? With just a push of a button, you can watch them perform their act live in Jay Leno’s living room. Following this, they are tranquilized, caged, and stored in Jay’s fruit cellar until the next dinner party.
– Revelations 30:2-9 – And the third angel blew his trumpet and there was a great tumult in the oceans. I saw a serpent with seven heads rise from the waters. Each head had a potato-y face. They had silver manes of hair. They had large chins and upon each chin was written the name of a sin- sloth, greed, blasphemy, lust… And each mouth held a different joke about OJ Simpson.
You suck, Leno.
Thanks to our pal, Michael Bury for helping us on this one.