Hey, all. Chuck Guntly, here. It’s been a few years since my Internet debut on Youngstown’s own Valley 24, where I riled up a few feathers as we Guntlys are known to do (just ask the last McDonald’s we had a birthday party in!). Unfortunately, my days as an Internet truth-teller came to an untimely end when local police officers confiscated my laptop for reasons I’d rather not explain here. Though I would like to make it clear that those e-mails discussing the hijacking of a Bingo supplies truck were uploaded to my account by a hacker and a Guntly always stands by his word.
First off, I would like to welcome James “Jimbo” Traficant back to the outside world. From one former convict to another, “Beam me up!” Folks, what kind of a country do we live in where you can’t use a little money to grease the wheels of democracy, or allow a local dogfighting ring to use your tool shed as a place to butcher poorly-performing animals? I’m sure me and Jimbo both wear our inability to vote like badges of honor, though I bet Jim didn’t have a filthy tool shed waiting for him when he got out! Jimbo, you lucky dog! And that wife of yours! From one Youngstownian to another, I would really like to have sex with her! I think we can all agree that would be more fun than trying to scrub dog blood out of concrete — but I guess you would be the expert on that particular subject!
But ol’ Chuck isn’t here just to talk about politics or the possibility of wife-swapping. I think I speak for all of us when I say that this news about Haiti has really grabbed the nation by its short hairs. No matter which channel I turn on, it’s Haiti this, poverty that… you’d almost think the United States doesn’t even exist anymore! Now, a major disaster doesn’t usually mess up my day — when there was that big tsunami over in Asia a few years back, my fishing trip for the following weekend went off without a hitch. But when I heard that NANCY PELOSI planned on sending MY HARD-EARNED TAX DOLLARS to some country that doesn’t even have the common decency to be the setting of a good James Bond movie, well, that’s when I’ve gotta put my foot down.
Cry me an earthquake, Haiti. We've all got problems.
I feel for those poor souls in Haiti. I really do. But what HILLARY CLINTON and her fellow witches on Capitol Hill need to realize is that America has its own problems — and where Chuck Guntly’s from (America), America comes FIRST. Last time I checked, America was the only country where homeless people die on the streets, children go to bed hungry, and our elderly watch TV unaccompanied — so why all the hub-bub about Haiti? Listen, it’s too bad for all the people who had the sorry luck to be born into such lousy country, but that’s just how things shake out some times. You don’t hear the indians complaining about those germs they couldn’t handle all those years ago, and now they’ve got those fancy casinos and they don’t even pay taxes (what a racket)! Even Chuck Guntly himself came from humble roots to become the proud owner of a local business, and you don’t hear me bellyaching about how I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Sometimes life hands you lemons, and you’ve just gotta make lemonade. And I think it’s time we taught the people of Haiti how to make this delicious beverage for themselves (I like to put a little Jim Beam in mine on those extra-hot summer days).
Some of my holier-than-thou “friends” have taken ol’ Chuck to task for his brave stance on the Haiti situation. “But Chuck,” they moan, “Didn’t Jesus say ‘Whatsoever you do to the least of my people, that you do unto me’?” I’ve never been real big on reading the Bible, and even though I’m a God-fearing Christian, I don’t think that sounds like something Jesus would ever say. But sometimes I humor these poor dopes and tell them that the whole “helping strangers” thing might have been a good idea in Bible Times because back then there were — what — like, 200 people in the entire world? I’m sure if Jesus was around today, he’d be kosher with the idea of not helping others if they couldn’t immediately pay you back or give you a footrub or something. You know what Jesus wouldn’t like? That new half-percent increase on our sales tax — talk about being crucified!!!
Well folks, I wish I had more time to speak about these important issues, but that cornhole tournament isn’t going to referee itself. Just remember what Chuck says: do onto YOURSELF as you would have others do onto you. It’s just common sense.