Let’s CLAP for CAPITALISM!
Educational consulting by “Joey” Mengele, PhD. and totally, 100 percent No-guff American.
“Hi there, boys and girls, I’m a Dick In A Tie.
“I and the fine folks at OligarCo are here to speak to you today through the magic of your classroom projector so we could tell you a little bit about how your country works.
“You know some people, angry people of questionable associations, might try telling you that America is not a swell place to call home. They might try telling you that America is, at it’s core, a nationwide planta- … Wait a second kids! It looks like one of you isn’t having a good time here today. Let’s go see if we can find out what’s wrong. Say! Say, Billy! What’s wrong?!”
“Aw, hey now, Billy! What’s got you so glum? Math homework too hard? Game of hit’em ball didn’t go as well as you thought it would? Upset at the comic book scourge turning your classmates into homosexuals? Sad that you’re too young to enlist for Korea? Say, Billy, why don’t you talk to these fine folks and tell them why you’re so sad?”
“Oh. Hi, Mr. Dick. It’s just…. It’s just that all of the kids at school have been making fun of me. It’s because of my house.”
“It’s all run-down and crummy and golly just look at it!”
“Well, tax-my-undeclared-assets. YOU’RE RIGHT, BILLY! But maybe the fine folks at OligarCo can do something to help you out. Your life won’t be a waking Merle Haggard song for much longer, Billy! PWISH!”
“Golly! Thanks, Mister!”
“And that’s not all! Take a look at your parents, Billy!”
“Mom! Dad! What happened to your boils??”
“Haw! Haw! Haw! That’s just one thing you get when the entire nation Claps For Capitalism!”
“Capitalism? Golly, what’s that?”
“Haw haw! Capitalism? Well other than being question 237 on the Alabama Board of Election’s literacy test, it’s also a very important concept for how our country is run.”
“You see, Capitalism is simply when people with money, or ‘capital’ drive a country’s economy through industry and financial investment in a free market.
“Or, as we like to tell you kids: Capitalism is when people with money drive the economy. Ice cream! Superman! Your pet goldfish went to heaven and is with Jesus now! Now what do you think about that, Billy?”
“That sounds okay, Mister. But my friend Henry’s dad is a coal miner and he says capitalism is bad. When he’s in a dangerous part of the mine, Henry’s dad says he can hear Capitalism deep in the tunnel, howling for his blood. What about him, Mister?”
“You see, Billy, Henry’s dad is what we call a ‘communist.’ I won’t explain what that is, but let’s let All-American football star Johnny Unitas tell you what he thinks of communism. Mr. Unitas? What would you say to Henry’s dad?”
“Communism t’aint up to snuff, nancy boy.”
“Haw! Well, that’s just swell, Johnny. Thanks. And you see, Billy, he makes a good point. Here, let me show you something.”
“Golly! Who’s that?!”
“Why, don’t you know!? That’s YOU, Billy! Celebrating your eleventh birthday in Soviet Russia! Just look at how sad you are: chewing on steel girders for your breakfast!
“You see, Billy, capitalism gives everyone the opportunity to make their own lives better. But lazy people like Henry’s dad think the government should do that for them! Can you believe that!?
“You know, Billy, communists don’t even believe in God! So is that why their children get eaten by wild dogs every night and wake up in hell? It’s something to think about!”
“I don’t want want to go to hell, Mister!”
“No American does, Billy, but thank Him Above that there are capitalists like OligarCo hard at work for the spiritual betterment of you and all of your little friends!
“Aw shucks, Billy, you know what? I’ll make you a deal: Once our pals in the Senate repeal some of these socialist labor laws, you and all of Ms. Burnstrom’s 3rd Grade Class can play with the fine folks at OligarCo in the industrial district every day until the sun goes down! Doesn’t that sound like fun, Billy??”
“And then, when I’m done working I’ll be able to retire like my granddad! Right, Mister?”
“Any other questions, Billy?”
“Just one. So Henry’s dad was able to make his life better this WHOLE time?!”
“Haw! Haw! That’s right, Billy! That’s what can happen when the entire nation Claps for Capitalism!”
“So Henry was spawned from the loins of failures? Golly!”
“Well. I hope you learned something important today, Billy.”
“Sure did, Mister! In fact, I wrote a song about it. Would you like to hear it?”
“Why, sure, Billy! That would be swell.
“Okay. Here goes!”