As you are aware, children – mewling, sticky-faced, rude little monsters they are- are the single greatest threat facing our country today. If we are to turn them into productive members of society, we must first cleanse them from their bad behavior. Laziness, excessive sweet eating and the desire for affection must all be purged before they reach maturity or else all is lost.
Fortunately, I have my doctorate in Children and I believe I can help. Through the liberal application of cautionary, fear-inducing bedtime stories, I can excise the ill habits of naughty children and turn them into moral human beings.
All of my tales have been laboratory tested and I am happy to report that each and every one made my experimental group submissively urinate by the close of the story.
Try this one out on your son or daughter today! I call it:
“The Tale of Little Glop-Face: The Boy Who Wouldn’t Pick Up His Clothes.”
Little Friedrich was a naughty boy. Everyone in Duisburg thought so. At suppertime he would never eat his sup, and at recess he would sell weaponized smallpox to all the class.
At bedtime he would never go to bed. And at church, he once stole a minor saint’s lunch money – Saint Osgood, Patron Saint of Saturated Solutions.
This made God very cross.
But the worst thing, the absolute awfulest worst thing he ever did…
Was to make his poor Mother pick up his dirty clothes.
“Friedrich! Friedrich!” Mother cried one day, into her weather-beaten hausfrau apron. “If you don’t pick up your clothes I will die and go to my grave!
“Or God will send, to visit you in your sleep; Crusty, the Gnome Who Gives Bad Children Conjunctivitis.
“One of the two.”
Little Friedrich laughed at poor Mother, tossing more clothes on the heap as he did another line of blow.
This made Mother cry and cry and wring her hands into her filthy apron.
And God shook his fist and promised to get that little snot.
So at night, as Friedrich lay in bed, he heard some uncouth singing coming from down the hall.
He screamed and screamed for mother, who didn’t hear; so exhausted was she from picking up his dirty clothes, and pruning the family’s sausage tree.
Crusty kicked in Friedrich’s door with a muddy boot.
And stuck his stumpy finger in his swollen eye.
And Saint Osgood laughed even more.
The next day Friedrich awoke, eyes frosted over like they were the Ugliest Cupcakes From the Royal Bakery of Yuck.
From then on Friedrich was known as “Little Glop Face.” And during the next Oktoberfest, he was run out of town- as is the traditional Oktoberfest custom- to go live with the other Pinkeyes in the Pinkeye Colony far, far away.