Are you the kind of person who often ponders the immortal question, “WHY ISN’T ANYONE READING MY T-SHIRT!?” Do you reek of filthy bedsheets and household garbage that should have been cleared from the foot of your computer desk months ago? Can you name more actors that played Dr. Who than you can personal friends? If so, ThinkGeek.com is the perfect destination for you and your unruly brood who have no doubt traded sex favors for Magic: The Gathering cards. Bad news: the Black Lotus might have been banned from tournament play, but those emotional scars will last forever.
Through copious amounts of research that basically boiled down to stealing a catalog from someone else’s mailbox, Garbage Duck has taken the liberty of highlighting the worst Christmas gifts from a site that dubiously claims to be for “smart” people. And we’ve posted it as close to the holiday as possible to prevent any more poor souls out there from having their remaining scraps of dignity ripped away through the simple act of opening a cardboard box. Enjoy!
Worst Use of Words on Fabric: The <sarcasm> T-Shirt
There’s no telling how these things are still being made. Did someone recently recover a sunken mall shipment vessel that originally launched from China in 1997? Whatever the case, this brand of geek apparel isn’t unique in its awfulness, but awful in its ubiquity. Who hasn’t dealt with someone whose shirt proudly snarked something their crippling social anxiety and self-loathing would never let them say? Bonus points if this happened before 2002.
Price: $18.99 Loss of Dignity: -10
Worst Use of Bacon: Every Goddamned Thing with Bacon in It
Unfunny people, did you get the memo? Bacon is the new thing you’re supposed to run into the fucking ground! Pirates, robots, and zombies had a good run, and for a while it looked like pimps were going to be the next big thing, but no; this specific pork product is beloved by everyone who lists The Big Bang Theory as one of their favorite shows. Clearly, the possession of bacon-themed items tells the world “I am a down-to-earth individual with a relaxed attitude about a delicious-yet-deadly food item. And if you use my bathroom your hands are going to smell like a godforsaken Denny’s all day and stray dogs might attack you.”
Price(s): Various/Too Much Loss of Dignity: -25
Worst Food-to-Mouth Delivery System: Marshmallow Guns (Various)
Be honest: how many marshmallows do you eat in a year? If you answered “more than one,” then you’ve just committed the socially-permissible act of lying to a blog. This is because marshmallows are a terrible turn-of-the century foodgoo that only serve a useful purpose as a binding agent in candy sandwiches. So why in the name of all things holy would you pay up to and including $34.99 for a device which fires this roofing industry byproduct into your mouth through what can only be described as the world’s most action-packed choking hazard? Even if you’re self-medicating with food, there has to be a better, more efficient way of doing so that doesn’t involve eating marshmallows. Garbage Duck recommends a gravy funnel or perhaps a cake tarp if Christmas ends up giving you a case of the Mondays.
Price: $19.99 – $34.99 Loss of Dignity: – 50
Worst Use of a Valuable Metal: Starfleet Academy Spork Combo
Nothing says “I will soon murder you in my personally built sex dungeon” than handing your guests Star Trek-branded sporks with their delicious pudding cup dinners. I once lived near a used bookstore that contained an entire bookcase shelved with hundreds of Star Trek novels undoubtedly obtained from the estate sales of dead shut-ins; maybe one of these tomes explains just how this KFC-popularized abomination became the standard eating utensil in Gene Roddenberry’s humanist future utopia? Finding out would cost upwards of 25 cents, which would be better spent paying the sales tax on something far more interesting, like shoe polish.
Price: $22.99 per Spork Loss of Dignity: -100
Worst Repurposing of a Snuggie: The Slanket
I’m not quite sure how the Slanket differs from the Snuggie, except the former apparently comes with its own Suicide Girl? So you can enjoy your backwards robe together as you pretend to enjoy The Corpse Bride and later try to score some heroin or something. For some ThinkGeek customers, the slanket will be a comfortable winter retreat soon to be smeared with dust produced from the Frito-Lay company; for others, it will be the most form-fitting garment available on the market. In either case, they’re still paying three times the street value of a fucking Snuggie.
Price: $29.99 Loss of Dignity: – how do i make the infinity symbol on this